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The Person I’m Not

A bit about me, I’m 19, and I deal with anxiety and depression. Technically I can just rant about how it sucks to have a mood disorder, and most of you who are dealing with some form of mental health issue or not, hopefully can relate to some extent. I probably will talk about how much this sucks, but I also want to help someone out there with my experience.

I was always a shy introverted person for as long as I can remember. First day of high school, we had a welcoming ceremony for all the grade 8’s. I was sitting by myself, but then an outgoing girl introduces herself to me. All I can say was hello in a very stutter voice. From that day on, I would occasionally see her around school and for some reason, felt fearful that she was going to remember how I reacted. Looking back now, that anxiety was natural, it’s okay to be a bit nervous when you meet someone new, at least then I thought it was. That feeling stuck. Over the years, it got worse, but I got by with a few friends. During my senior years, almost every day at school I ate lunch by myself beside my locker with earphones in, while my classmates would sit in large groups, asking people if they like to come over to their party on the weekend. Fast forwarding to university, I was finally ready to change so many aspects of myself. I didn’t. In return, I caused myself a lot of harm. Trying to get over loneliness, I told myself nearly every day that I will talk to someone new in my class, because I was convinced everyone wanted to do the same. Ultimately, I gave up trying. I was so focused on meeting new people that even the slightest rejection, was one million times more painful than it should be. Sometimes it takes weeks before I get over something this small, and a bunch of negative things come to mind. All of me was dependent on them. I let others mentally dictate how I should behave and live my life. It lowered my self-confidence and deteriorated my self-worth. I hated myself. All I wanted was someone who I can spend some time with doing the things I liked. There are constantly new people around you every single day, and I can’t even manage to say a word to anyone. Ironically, I wanted to make friends when I couldn’t even show the other person that I wanted to. Why was it so hard for me to find someone like this? Frustrated, I contemplated to get help. Then I was put on medication. Later, diagnosed with depression. It did not come to me as a shock, rather, it was informative, just good to know.

Acceptance is also one of my biggest weaknesses. As someone in the closet, you constantly fear about what people around you are thinking a lot more. Internally, you judge yourself. I watched many videos on how to come out and just live yourself as the person you want to be. I’m inspired how people are able to do it, and strive to be one of those people in the future. Eventually, I would love to meet other people who are also struggling with their sexuality so we can all support one another and form great friendships. Right now, I don’t believe I can do it. Something keeps holding me back, telling me it’s not okay, that there’s something wrong with me. I always get this uncomfortable feeling in my stomach that I’m different from everyone else.
In the future, I don’t think I can even experience the love between two people when I’m constantly trying to hide myself. All I know right now is to keep trying. I don’t plan to give up on myself and neither should anyone else who are struggling with whatever it is that is stopping you for being the person you want to be.

Dissociation